


what good is being number one if there are no other numbers

by birds89birds



Series: Shitty vs Cinema [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, Emoji Movie Spoilers, Gen, He is Not Sorry, Humor, Never thoguht i'd tag that holy shit i am wheezing rn, Texting, The Author Copy-Pasted His Texts And Wrote Around Them, emoji movie - Freeform, shitty reacts to the emoji movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: shitty reacts to the emoji movie
Relationships: Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Minor Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann - Relationship, Shitty Knight & Jack Zimmermann
Series: Shitty vs Cinema [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648816
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	what good is being number one if there are no other numbers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gingerlegend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerlegend/gifts).



> this document's title in google drive is "do you think god stays in heaven because he lives in fear of what hes created" and i think that is very accurate in reference to this fic
> 
> i SUFFERED
> 
> this was written over nine hours to the soundtrack of bloodborne and dark souls 3
> 
> btw this is from jack's phone

**shitty knight at it again**

_Shitty_  
>i’m watching the emoji movie which  
means you are going to suffer with me

_Lardo_  
>oh god

_Shitty_  
>why did i agree to watch this

_Lardo_  
>no clue

_Shitty_  
>god lardo better THANK me

>it’s starting

_Lardo  
_>i am thanking you for your  
service

>bsndkfkfjdhshs

_Shitty_  
>fuck

>i hate commercialization but  
especially this

>GENE

>HIS NAME IS GENE

_Lardo_  
>cursed

_Shitty_  
>holy shit it’s a smartphone

>FUCKING ASS these stereotypes

>i am not listening lmao

>emojis are shit and they know it

_Lardo_  
>iconic

_Shitty_  
>TEXTOPOLIS

>WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT

_Lardo_  
>t e x t o p o l i s

>sounds like an f tier poptropica island

_Shitty_  
>for real

>oh my god i hate everything

>i hate this

>fucking gene

>he shouldn’t look at them

>fucking motherfucker

>i hate that who did this

>OH MY GOD THE RACISTS

_Lardo_  
>the racists????

_Shitty_  
>HE SAID KONICHIWA TO THE  
SUSHIS

>FUCKING

>AH

_Lardo_  
>i agree

>very A

_Shitty_  
>i hate this

_Lardo_  
>understandable

_Shitty_  
>anything other than meh

>ugh

>”we’re number two we’re number two”

>YOU WILL FAIL

>NO NO NO GENE

>ugh this is so uncanny

>FUCK DONTDO IT DONT DO IT

>WHO THE FUCK IS THAT

>smiler is terrifying

>i hate every minute of this

>fuck that

_Lardo_  
>ive never dropped my standards  
enough to watch it so i have 0 context  
for anything that ur saying

_Shitty_  
>good

>hi five is the comedic relief

>smiler is supposed to be annoying  
and she’s just a stereotype of a valley  
girl

>fuck that sexism

_Lardo_

>oh fuck that

_Shitty_  
>EW

>STOP STOP STOP I HATE THIS

>she has karen hair

_Holster_  
>EW

_Shitty_  
>not smiley but gene (main  
character’s) mom

>i cant skip anything bc this is a  
movie theater and i am suffering

>this is why i usually pirate shit

>WORDS ARENT COOL

>FUCK NO NONONONO ON

_Lardo_  
>i mourn for the loss of at least two  
braincells that are going to die  
watching this movie

>From what I can see there will be  
more than two casualties on the brain  
cell front.

>He might not even make it.

_Shitty_  
>i probabyl won’t

>NO MEH NO MEH NOOOOO

>i know enough that he fucks this part  
up

>he’s not ready

>NO MEH NO

>AAAAAAAAA

_Lardo_  
>aaaaaa

_Shitty_  
>i enjoyed sharknado more

>because that was so bad it was funny

>FUCK OH NO

>THE CAT

>GENE YOU DUMBASS

>ok but the voice actors for the parents  
are pretty funny

_Lardo_  
>the cat????????

>I am very invested in this cat’s  
wellbeing

_Shitty_

>THE CAT IS IRRELEVANT NOW  
>the smiler

>smiler is terrifying

>oh god

>i hate how smiler is stereotyped

>oh no the parents are coming

_Ransom_  
>oh god

>ok i opened an incognito tab to see  
what the characters look like bc i  
Need a reference point

_Shitty_  
>the mom sounds like Bitty’s mom

_Ransom_  
>and the smiler is HORRIFYING

>

_Holster_

>Oh my god she is

_Bits_

>Get it away from me.

>Holy shit.

_Lardo_  
>noooooooooooo ew ew ew

_Shitty_  
>fair

>gene no

>sweetie please

>lmao

>smiler is gonna kill gene i just know it

>SHE THRNED OFF THE SLIGHTS

>LIGHTS

_Holster_  
>Clearly this is a traumatic experience  
Shits so we're not going to chirp you  
about your typos

_Lardo_  
>i would be unsurprised

_Shitty_  
>god there is a noose

>ooh she is gonna murder him

_Lardo_  
>oop

_Shitty_  
>OH HE IS GONNA GET DELETED

_Lardo_  
>😔😔✊✊

_Shitty_  
>SMILER IS TRTIFUONG

>AAAAA

_Lardo_  
>my favorite word is TRTIFUONG

_Shitty_  
>sorry

>terrifying

_Ransom_  
>lards what did holster say?

_Lardo_ _  
_ >but TRTIFUONG

_Ransom_ _  
_ >valid point, continue, comrade.

_Shitty_  
>GENE

>GENE IS 😕 and it is bad

>loser lounge

_Lardo_  
>THATS SO BAD

_Shitty_  
>the eggplant emoji isn’t used?????  
bullshit

_Lardo_  
>of all the emojis to choose for a  
protag….

_Shitty_ _  
_ >i can ASSURE you that the eggplant is  
my MOST USED

>this is just some bullshit

>oh he needs to find a hacker

>jailbreak!

>“i can finally be the meh i was meh to  
be”

_Lardo_  
>i

_Shitty_  
>god high fice is stupid and mean

_Lardo_  
>smh my head

_Shitty_  
>smh my head for real

>he used a cactus as a disguise is he  
fucking stupid

>gene

_Lardo_  
>dumb fucking idiot

_Shitty_  
>shit i hate this

>how much longer do i have

_Lardo_  
>too long

_Shitty_  
>“next time i come back here i’ll be a  
real meh”

_Bits_  
>any time is too long

_Shitty_  
>yes

>welcome to the wallpaper jesus fuck

_Bits_  
>Christ.

_Shitty_  
>god what even is this

_Lardo_  
>cruel and unusual punishment

_Shitty_  
>yes

>“what you need are fans”

>I can attest that you do not.

>Haha.

_Shitty_  
>“poor gene i blame myself” “i blame  
you too”

>well at least they’re being honest with each other

>OH GOD SHE’S FOLLOWING THE  
MEHS

>“what could a teenage boy possibly  
wanna hide from his parents”

_Lardo_  
>iaj ck skkwjfjsksjdjek

_Bits_

>I wonder.

_Ransom_ _  
_ >hey holster remember when we found  
lardo's "what a teenage boy could  
possibly want to hide from his  
parents" stash?

_Holster_ _  
_ >YES

>Let’s not.

_Shitty_  
>they’re seining from the chandeliers

>swinging

>ok sia

>spam is here too

>god lol

>“hack daniels”

>“i sincerely unironically want you to go  
away”

>“BOTS DELETE MY HISTORY”

>god this is genocide

>they are literally committing genocide

>would this be considered police brutality

>jesus fuck

_Bits_  
>Oh christ.

_Holster_  
>what the fuck

_Shitty_  
>candy crush sweet fuck

>“sweet motherboard”

>fucking CANDY CRUSH

>my grandma just came in her fucking  
pants

_Holster_  
>What the fuck shits

_Shitty_ _  
_ >You know old people and candy crush

>they gotta play candy crush

_Lardo_  
>thats so dumb

_Shitty_  
>OH NO THE OUTSIDE CHARACYER  
THE POOR SOUL

>GOD KID DONT TALK TO THE  
POPULAR GIRL THIS IS A MOVIE  
THEY'RE ALWAYS ASSHOLED

_Holster_  
>My condolences to the kid

_Shitty_  
>“it’s like this phone is playing games  
with me”

>THAT JOKE WAS AWFUL AND THEY  
SHOULD BE ASHAMED

>jailbreak went back in time

_Lardo_

>

>what

_Shitty_ _  
_ >gene got blown up so jailbreak hacked  
the phone to send it back in time

_Lardo_ _  
_ >what the fuck

_Shitty_  
>“gene you’re alive!  
*kisses his side  
you were trying to see if i tasted like  
candy”  
“yes i was. and you do not.”

>god this is awful

>So bad.

_Shitty_  
>“alex made an appointment at the  
phone store”  
*CHAOS*

>ok that was actually funny

>smiler is so annoying

_Lardo_  
>yeah thats fair

_Shitty_  
>she is supposed to be annoying

>ugh all these apps

>the firewall

>ugh they just mocked her for being  
feminist fuck this

_Lardo_  
> >:|

_Shitty_  
> >:(

>No all-caps Shits?

>But also fuck that.

_Shitty_ _  
_ >at this point i have given up

_Ransom_

>entirely fair.

_Holster_ _  
_ >There should be an abandon all hope  
ye who enter here sign on the poster

_Shitty_  
>i agree

_Lardo_

>jfc

_Shitty_

>oh wow youtube

>pen pineapple apple pen

>THERE IS A DIVORCE SUBPLOT

>WHAT RHE RUCK??????

_Lardo_  
>NDJCNSKAKJDJDKSJ

>WHAT

_Shitty_  
>"i think we should go our separate  
ways mel, i thought i knew the meh  
that i married but maybe i don't"

>really don’t like how they use  
divorce as a punchline

>Ah man that really sucks.

**Shitty**

>Will you be ok? I know that shit gets  
to you.

>i’ll be fine but thanks for checking in

>love you

>Love you too.

**shitty knight at it again**

_Lardo_

>oh my god

_Shitty_  
>“but mary…”

>mk no more divorce shit

>“NBD dude god”

>hi-5 is the comedic relief jesus fuck

>“you don’t like it here”

>oh my gosh my hands are sweating

>“you are a hand@

>“i don’t remember thetr beitn a hacker  
emoji”

>OU KY GOD

>HI FIVE JUST THREW UP A CANDY  
CORN AND WANTS TO EAT IT

_Holster_  
>THE FUCK

_Ransom_ _  
_ >no. just no.

_Shitty_  
>“are my fingers getting fat fuckign  
christ

>god of course hand turned it on

>just dance isn’t an app?????

>“this is bad gene i can’t dance i got  
noooo groove”

>god these songs

>“HEY YOU GOT IT GIRL THROW  
SOME SAUCE ON THAT DANCE  
BURRITO”

>i’m not even touching that

>“you’re killing it gene, slay!”

>fuck i hate this so much

_Lardo_  
>disgoting

_Shitty_  
>god i hate this

_Bits_

>Lardo you aren’t exempt.

>Disgoting.

>Disgoting.

_Ransom_  
>disgoting.

_Holster_  
>Disgoting

_Lardo_  
disgosting even

_Shitty_  
>she’s a princess!??!???

>what the fuck!?!!

>uh oh anti virus bots are here

>“downloading funk protocol”

>ah ofc standard robot dancing  
to disco sequence

_Lardo_  
>oh ofc

_Holster_

>To be fair it is a kid’s movie

_Shitty_  
>OH MY GOD THE OURSODE  
PERSONES PHONE OH NO  
>oh no the app got deleted!??

>HI FIVE NO  
>oh they’re gonna get him

>“what good is being number one if  
there are no other numbers”

“wow. ok.”

>real eloquent there jailbreak

>“i just… can’t be meh about anything”

>

>I can’t believe you have that saved as  
a reaction Shits

_Shitty_ _  
_ >only for your perky ass

>Please never call my ass perky again.

_Shitty_ _  
_ >never!

_Ransom_  
>these lines are painful.

_Shitty_  
>yes

>THEY’RE FOONG TO SAVE HIM UAY

>who the fuck has so many phone  
apps

>“i didn’t want to have to do this but it  
is fun to press buttons”

>it isn’t cinema without a ditzy blonde

>*gasp* “the illegal upgrade”

>OH BOY A SLUR

>WHAT THE FUCK???

>WHY’D THEY HAVE TO USE THAT

>HOLY SHIT

_Lardo_ _  
_ >WAIT WHAT?????

>WHICH ONE

_Shitty_ _  
_ >g*psy

_Holster_ _  
_ >People usually don’t consider that  
one a slur

_Ransom_  
>still is though.

_Holster_ _  
_ >Yeah

_Lardo_

>i can’t believe it isn’t mentioned more

_Holster_ _  
_ >TBF it is more of a European thing.

>Yeah.

_Shitty_ _  
_ >i would love to discuss this right now

>and i will later

>but i am currently dying a painful death

>EE FUCKING CHEERLEADER

>THAT WAE LIKE

>2014 HOLY SHIT

>yup watch me nae nae there too

>god jailbreak’s voice actor isn’t always  
great

>OH GOD THE PHONE  
MALFUNCTIONED AGAIN

>I HAD TO LEAVE

>SNACK TIME

_Lardo_  
>snack time

_Bits_

>Snack time.

_Holster_

>Snack time

>Snack time

_Ransom_ _  
_ >snack time

>THEY RESCUED HIM

>fucking christ he hugged her without  
her consent fucking hate that

>like she was visibly uncomfortable

>also i got chocolate bc what is a  
movie theater without poor dietary  
choices

_Lardo_

>god mood

_Shitty_  
>the Evil bots are back

_Bits_ _  
_ >If I don’t get the most buttery popcorn  
known to man when I go to the movies  
assume I’m dead.

_Shitty_  
>fair

>“gene, are you instagramming?”

>GOD

_Lardo_  
>god

_Shitty_  
>OH NO ITS MEL

>MEL IS A MALFUNCTION TOOL 

>TOO

>HIS DAD

>smiler upgrades the bots

>the voice acting isn’t good

_Lardo_  
>:/ that’s the worst

_Bits_

>Hops (waffle) was always on about  
bad voice actors. At one point Louis  
(another waffle) tried watching an  
anime in English and I had never seen  
Hops so angry.

_Shitty_  
>who did jailbreak? a celebrity?

>like usually star power is Like That

_Holster_  
>anna faris? idk who she is

_Shitty_  
>ah

>shit the fucking voice acting is killing  
me

>the firewall

>oh shit he’s getting burned every time

>she started playing fucking fireball ok

that’s pretty funny

>oh god why is this so annoying

>fucking

>ugh

>yay they’re on the cloud!

>oh no he doesn’t want to do that

>also they’ll kill him anyways

>NO JAILBREAK DONT DO IT

>OH GOD HE’S GONNA PULL A JACK ZIMMERMANN

_Bits_

>Wait WHAT?

_Shitty_  
>LAST MINUTE LOVE CONFESSIONS

>Fuck off.

_Shitty_  
>no can do Mr Bitty

>Can we give that a rest?

_Lardo_  
>never

_Holster_ _  
_ >That was ICONIC ok

_Ransom_ _  
_ >super iconic bro.

_Holster_ _  
_ >bro…..

_Shitty_  
>AW

>OH SHIT

>AH FUCKING

>shit

>fucking assbeads

>ducking ass motherfucker they  
made a “feminist bad” thing

>god fucking dammit

>they’re flying on twitter

>oh lovely family reunion

>OH NO THE OPHONE IS FOINGBTO BE  
DELETED

>BUT SMILER’S dead and it’s a kid’s movie

>it’ll be fine

>ofc no one can save it but the male  
protagonist

>aw it actually puts value in his friend  
not jsut the love interest

>mainly the love interest

>ok he actually “got” the love interest

_Lardo_

Do the people who made the emoji  
movie ever look back at what they've  
created and regret their life choices?

_Ransom_

>no.

_Shitty_

>NO THEY’RE ALL OGING TO DIE

_Lardo_  
>ill make them regret it

>i pity whoever's boss forced them to do this

_Shitty_  
>THEY’TE BACK

>FUCK YEAH

>oh shit smiler

>god the minor racism with the emojis

>ok good ending yay

>smiler’s gonna come back

>oh nope weird ending

>you know

>the resolution

>at least they didn’t make her rejoin the princesses

>god this luckiest is awful

>THENK FUCK CREDITS TIME

_Bits_

>I am at a loss for words

_Lardo_

>oh good it’s finally over

_Ransom_

>thank fuck.

_Holster_ _  
_ >Holy shit that was painful and I wasn’t even there

>I salute your strength Shits.

>Our canary.

_Shitty_ _  
_ >i really am this team’s movie canary

>shit man

**Author's Note:**

> shitty's reactions were my texts to my best friend modified and my best friend's responses were distributed evenly among SMH members but mainly Lardo.
> 
> my check please sideblog (that has more followers than my main oop) is @omgcphivemind if you wanna say hi!


End file.
